there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
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Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
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He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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