I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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