did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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