my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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