You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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