I am puke
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I cut my penus on the lid.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The ass gains better be worth it
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