there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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