I wanna bring you to show and tell
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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