ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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