My Higher Power is John Stamos
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
