could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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