So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
