gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
