Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
