dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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