new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i think my mom watched the whole time
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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