Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
