there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
