i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
