I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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