I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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