i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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