you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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