I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
