if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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