Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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