If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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