At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
