You made me cry and you don't even care
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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