apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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