Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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