I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
