I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Randomize
