If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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