I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
