You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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