why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
