I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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