i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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