Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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