im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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