You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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