Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
