i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
