Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
