just tell him i said nine months
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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