i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
