I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
