her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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