walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How does one acquire holy water?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
