What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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