It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
