he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
