Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
