I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
