I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
