i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
