wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
