my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
