as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
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I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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