4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize