someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
